


Now The Nightmare's Real

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:59:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3575276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: When faced with the Fear Demon in the Fade, Adaar learns that it has been feeding on her and stealing her memories for almost ten years. When it is defeated, she is overwhelmed with both previously suppressed fear and self-doubt about her abilities without her artificial bravado. This negatively affects the Inquisition and her relationships as she re-learns how to face fear and works through past trauma. Written for a kink-meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now The Nightmare's Real

**TW: descriptions of panic attacks and discussion of domestic violence**

As always, Adaar walked first. She cast up a barrier quickly, keeping an eye on those behind her. Blackwall followed to her left, as he always did. Her weaker side. She smiled at him reassuringly before they walked on.

She kept her smile steady as her group walked through the Fade. The Nightmare spoke to each, playing with them, toying with them. Adaar comforted each with a pat or a nod, stroking the back of a particularly anxious Dorian. When the Nightmare came to taunt her, she readied herself to hear whatever it thought would distress her and to let it go. Acknowledge, feel it, and leave it. 

Yet what it said to hear she could never have expected.

"Little half-bred girl, little mixed bastard child. I saw you once when you were young, but your faith was too strong then. When they threw stones at you, you did not flinch, you did not cry. Even when they broke your nose in little pieces. It was only when he hit you, that is when you trembled."

Adaar hesitated and said quietly, "I have moved past that, demon. Perhaps you should do the same."

"When you prayed for the Maker, I heard you. I heard the shaking in your voice. Where was your precious Andraste when the man you loved nearly choked you to death? _Saarebas_. I have fed on your fear for so long, Inquisitor. Almost a decade together, you and I. Do you remember what it is like to truly be afraid?"

Adaar shuddered and walked forward. 

"If you strike me down, there is nothing to protect you from yourself, Inquisitor. You are only strong because I have made you strong. Without me, you are nothing but a battered little girl, crying out for a God who has abandoned you. Your daughters would be dead, your mother and father dead. Who will follow you then, Adaar?"

"Man, we need to get rid of this thing," Adaar joked nervously. "Next it's going to be telling everyone about my fear of Sera's cookies."

"Oi!"

Blackwall touched her arm and Adaar took a deep breath.

"Let's keep going," she said.

***

As the demon crashed to the ground, so did Adaar. She cried out, her skin burning, her lungs desperately grasping for air. Blackwall tried to pick her up, but she pushed him away.

"Don't touch me," she pleaded.

She could hear Hawke and Loghain start to argue and Adaar's hands shook. How could she possibly decide who could live or die? How could she-

Dorian shouted, "Get the Inquisitor out of here. All of you, out. Now!"

Adaar started crying hysterically as Sera pulled her up. She looked back, seeing Loghain fighting to his death. She closed her eyes as they pushed through, coming back into the land of the living. Adaar collapsed to her knees, hyperventilating. Cassandra ran over to her side and Adaar touched her shoulder weakly.

"I can't-I need help," she whispered. "Please...Maker, please, speak for me. Tell them it's over and that they are welcome to join us...just..."

Cassandra helped her to her feet and discretely passed her off to Dorian. Cassandra went forward, addressing the Wardens. Adaar followed Dorian helplessly as he led her around the corner, letting her slump against the wall.

Dorian glanced her over and zapped her with an electricity spell. She groaned and tried to smack him, but he caught her hand.

"You're not possessed. You weren't before either. I think that thing was right...he was feeding off of you. It's amazing you survived this long, I've never heard of...right, this is not the time. Can I touch you?"

Adaar hesitated and nodded. Dorian pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back softly.

"It will be okay," Dorian promised. "We'll work you through this."

"I can't do this," Adaar whispered, "I can't-"

"You are the strongest woman I-"

"I'm not!" She cried out. "I'm falling apart, Dorian...I can't stop feeling it all over..."

Dorian held her tighter and he kissed the top of her head.

"I'm going to cast a spell on you," he said. "Just to help you relax a little. We just have to get you back to camp, okay?"

Adaar shook her head in protest and he stilled his hands.

"Then I'll stay here with you. Just until you can stop crying. Then we have to keep moving."

***

Blackwall stood up, seeing Dorian and Cassandra leave Adaar's tent.

"Is she alright?" He pleaded. "What did that bastard do to her? Please, tell me-"

Cassandra said quietly, "Excuse me. There are things I must take care of."

Dorian stood before him and swallowed. Blackwall snarled slightly, trying to not tear through the flaps and find her himself.

Dorian put his hand on his shoulder and said, "She's safe. She's...recovering. She has been under the thrall of a demon for nearly a decade....she's...not herself right now. The Inquisitor is a brave woman, the finest I've ever known. But she's experiencing every fear kept from her in all this time. Can you imagine? Living your worst moments, all together, all at once, without any...control. Everything is too intense, like touching a hot stove with skin that's never felt sunlight."

Blackwall asked, "Why doesn't she want to see me?"

Dorian replied, "I'm not at liberty-"

"Please," he begged. "What can I do?"

"Be patient," Dorian said, pulling away. "It's not always about you. Go bunk up with one of the dogs or something. She needs her space tonight."

Blackwall looked longingly to where he knew she would be, but finally turned and left. He would stay with the Wardens tonight. It was right for him to pay his respects.

***

Adaar shivered, pulling the blankets closer around her. She was currently reliving a terrible virus that had gone around her village, holding Zola tight to her chest. Her youngest was three or so, it was just after the invasion of Kirkwall. Zola's breathing was so slow and Adaar was too sick to find a healer. She had prayed throughout the night, praising the Maker when they both survived until morning.

But her faith had simply been the absence of fear. Every moment she had trusted the Maker to protect her was simply a moment the Demon had consumed. 

She heard Blackwall arguing with Dorian outside the tent and she shuddered, the memory shifting, threatening to spill into that Night. The last night she had been afraid, those last pieces that she could touch before, feel something close to dread...but now, it threatened to overwhelm her. 

She sat up in the bedroll, gripping her fingers into her skin. She needed to ground herself, she needed to remember where she was. She looked up, her heart racing, only to see Cassandra enter the tent.

Adaar held onto her and Cassandra helped her back to the ground.

"I am here, sister," the Seeker murmured softly. 

Cassandra held her to her chest and Adaar took a deep breath. Cassandra stroked her arms and pulled the blankets around her.

"I'm so scared," Adaar confessed.

"You will recover," Cassandra promised. "Until then...I will do what duties of yours I can. That mage Vivienne despite her...snobbishness...will be able to help you. You simply must get to Skyhold. Can you manage that for me?"

"I will try," Adaar said.

"Good," Cassandra replied. "Get some rest if you can. I will stay here with you, for as long as it is needed."

***

It was nearly a month before she spoke to him. A month of hell. A month of watching her suffer from the side, seeing her scurried away whenever she threatened to fall apart. A month of Cassandra making excuses on her behalf. A month of Dorian giving him warning glances. A month of Vivienne being particularly snarky with him. It was as if everyone knew something he didn't, something that made them view him with disdain. 

More than usual, at least. 

Blackwall had thrown himself into his woodworking. The woman he loved was clearly avoiding him while she went through this, but at least the Tavern would some new furniture.

He was in the midst of detailing a particularly large chair for the Iron Bull when he heard her voice. 

"I feel like I owe you an explanation."

Blackwall turned, his heart leaping into his throat at the sight of her. Disheveled, pale...ragged. He wanted to hold her, but he kept his distance.

"You owe me nothing, my lady," he said sincerely. "Are you...are you alright?"

Adaar smiled weakly and shook her head. 

"Can I sit?" She asked.

He nodded, watching her move to the fire. She sat just in front of it, knees pulled to her chest. He remained standing, waiting for her to speak.

"I have to end our relationship," she murmured, looking away. "It's not you. I swear...but it's just not fair to you. I can't just keep ignoring you. But I can't..."

"Whatever is happening to you," he said softly, "you do not need to hide it from me. If you want me there...then the Void itself will have to tear me from you."

"I know you heard what the demon said in the Fade," Adaar said. "There are things...things I haven't told you. I always figured I would, one day, but it was something so long ago...it wouldn't matter. But now..."

She looked up at him and murmured, "I can't be who you want me to be. Not anymore. You wanted this mighty warrior woman, this strong brave...I'm not that person. I never was."

He knelt tentatively beside her and waited for her to continue.

"I was barely 20 when I met Issqunash-the girls' father," Adaar explained. "I wasn't much more than a kid...I was barely out of my training with my Tal-Vasoth teachers. But it was...it was like we had known each other our whole lives."

"Issqunash is a Qunari title, isn't it?" He asked. 

"One in search of mastery," Adaar said quietly. "Blacksmith. Asirin was his name back then. He was a few years older than me, but my parents generally liked him. I had Tituba about a year later and we were...happy. I loved him and Ba was such a beautiful baby. Then..."

Adaar shivered and Blackwall hesitated before putting his own jacket around her. She froze, only relaxing when he no longer touched her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Please."

Adaar murmured, "This is really hard for me. I know I need to talk about it and I trust you, it's just...it's like reliving it, but this time, with everything I couldn't feel before. I was scared, but not like this...instead of just anxiety, I'm petrified."

"You don't have to-"

"I do. I do have to tell you," she said firmly. "So please, let me."

Blackwall sat further back and she continued, "Asirin...got this idea in his head that she might be a mage. Which, she's 13 now, so likely not, but anyways. He was worried and he wanted answers. I was an Andrastian, but the Chantry wasn't for him, or really anything else. Except for the Qun...which, wasn't a bad thing at first. Just, he had never been comfortable with my magic, I knew that. But suddenly he was scared. No, scared isn't the right word. I don't know what exactly is."

"Disgusted." Adaar chuckled weakly. "Disgusted is the right word."

She looked back at him and said, "For the next two years, things got worse. He wasn't kind to me and he was usually gone at night. He wasn't working, just going to meetings. He made comments about me being a mage, nothing I hadn't heard before...but it was okay. And I loved him. I figured it would pan itself out...then one day...he hit me."

Blackwall gripped the ground as she continued, "It wasn't too hard. And he apologized. Things were better for a while. He stayed home, realizing that the Qun was taking up too much of his life. That's when I got pregnant with Zola. When he found out we were having another child, he went to Kirkwall and stayed there for nearly three weeks. I thought he might not come home. But when he did...it got worse. When I was about seven months along, I thought I was going to lose the baby. I was already a skilled healer, I managed to fix almost every injury he gave me...which made him angrier, I think. There was this night, when I thought I would lose her...he was trying to kill me. I don't think he knew he was...but just...I had never been so afraid in my life. Then it...stopped."

Adaar laughed darkly, wiping away her tears, "I thought the Maker was smiling on me and giving me strength. My mother found me and saved my life. When Asirin came back, I threw him out. If I had let him stay...and I would have...I wouldn't be alive now. Neither would Zola."

"What happened to that sick bastard?" Blackwall spat.

"He died in Kirkwall," Adaar sighed. "I told the girls he's in Seheron...I'll tell them one day, when they're older. I'm always half worried that Tituba remembers. She was three, it wouldn't shock me. I was glad, to tell the truth, when I found out what happened to him. But now...now that I can feel...I think about how horrible those last few hours must have been for him. When Varric talks about it like a grand adventure...it makes me feel sick. He wasn't my husband and he wasn't even my lover at the end...but he is the father of my daughters."

"He got what he deserved," Blackwall said angrily. "A man who treats his family like that is worth less than dog shit. If that's what you're remembering...I am so sorry, my lady. You were surviving before that demon came along. I know who you are, even if you don't right now. You are strong enough."

He leaned forward and accidently brushed his hand against hers. She pulled back and he apologized, putting his hands up. He froze.

"I'm the problem," he whispered. "I'm reminding you of him."

"The last man I ever loved beat me black and blue," she said softly. "You are nothing like him. But when you touch me...I am so afraid. I can't...I can't separate it in my head."

Blackwall pleaded, "And just talking to me? Can we do that at least? I will never lay a hand on you again, I swear to you, just please don't..."

"I can't." 

Adaar rose and said, "I promised an explanation. And well...that's it. I'm sorry. I wish...well, you never thought it was going to work anyways. So...I guess this must be a bit of a relief to you."

"Never say that, my lady," he said, rising to his feet. "I...I understand. Please. You...you probably should go. It would be easier for both of us, I think."

She said nothing before leaving the barn, simply dropping his jacket on the ground. Blackwall rested his hand on the table, trying to compose himself. He looked up and saw that she did not look back. He kicked down the half-formed chair, breaking it down before tossing it into the fire. 

***

When she sat on her throne, Cassandra stood to her left. Knowing that she could hand the reigns over to another, Adaar relaxed slightly in this duty. While she refused to go back into the field, she found herself able to make more small decisions, advised of course by the experts. Vivienne was helping her recover physically as well as strengthening her magical resistance. Solas had been surprisingly helpful, guiding her through her memories in the Fade, reliving them in a safe space.

She was getting better. Her hands still shook, her heart still raced. Sometimes she felt herself plunged forth into memory and learned how to rise from them. She had to ready herself. Josephine had been preparing her for months for her "debut" at the Winter Palace. Adaar had to be strong enough to handle the scrutiny of the Imperial Court. A difficult task, even for someone not struggling with panic attacks.

Cole once offered to help her forget, but Adaar refused. She wanted control over her mind and body. There was no more pretending. 

Adaar would go to Orlais first with Josephine in order to let the Inquisitor adjust to Halamshiral before being flooded with judgmental strangers. When Josephine asked who should follow behind them, Adaar gave no answer. She would let Cassandra decide.

***

Blackwall caught his breath, watching her descend the stairs. He had seen her a few times over the past four months, but he had only let himself spare a passing glance. Now...she looked beautiful. She had gained some of the colour back in her cheeks, her face was less thin. She was even smiling. Fake, certainly. He knew her that well. But a stranger would not be able to tell.

He applauded as she and the advisors were announced, beaming at her. He missed her...Maker...he missed her so much it hurt. But this was for the best. And to see her so well, it was worth any suffering on his part.

He turned and walked off. She had no need of him.

***

Adaar felt numb as she went through the crowd. She smiled and greeted others politely, exceptionally careful to give a firm but not crushing handshake. Which was more difficult than Josephine had made it seem.

Once she made her first round, she went off to find a quieter space to catch her breath. It was difficult to find a space where no one would see her, but eventually she found a little vestibule down a flight of stairs. Adaar went and sat down at the bottom, only looking up to see Blackwall a few feet away.

"I will go," he apologized.

"No," she insisted, "stay."

"I have trouble dealing with all the politics and nobility," Blackwall said. "I just needed to get away for awhile. I suppose we had the same idea."

She said nervously, "I really miss you."

His face softened as he said, "Me too."

"Sit with me?" She asked.

He hesitated and sat beside her, giving her plenty of space. She took a deep breath and touched his gloved hand. He took her hand and squeezed it lightly. Her heart raced as he let go.

"Are you alright?" He asked kindly. 

She nodded and joked, "It's less nerve wracking than trying to remember some Duchess' great-aunt twice removed."

He smiled and her heart fluttered. She trembled slightly as she stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes, holding her hand to his face. They heard the bells sound and he stood, helping her to her feet.

"I shouldn't be late," she apologized.

He let go, her skin tingling in warning. The memories laid physically in her, threatening to emerge. She counted her steps into the ballroom, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. 

***

When the night was drawing near, Blackwall looked for her. The Ball continued as if the assassination attempt had been a mere mark of entertainment. She had almost been her old self, announcing to the crowd her findings, almost flirting with the audience. Between this and their interlude earlier...well, it was almost enough to make a man hope.

Eventually he found her alone on the balcony, tapping her fingers against the stone railing. She startled slightly and then smiled. Blackwall stood beside her, leaning to look up at her.

"You've done so well tonight," he praised.

Adaar sighed and he saw her hands shake. 

"I don't know how I ever did this before," she admitted. "Deciding who was going to live or die...I know tonight worked out well...but I got lucky. I just imagined everything that could go wrong. I wasn't sure I could keep breathing. I just wanted to hide...Cassandra's so much better than me at this."

"You are our leader and you're doing a damn fine job at it," he comforted. "The worst of tonight is over. You can rest now. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Just having you here beside me is enough to make me feel like I'm dying," she admitted. "I haven't stopped thinking about you, but now that you're here..."

"I am not the man who hurt you," he promised. 

"It's moved past that now." Adaar explained. "Now...I imagine what it would be like to lose you...whenever you come back from field, whenever you're not there...we've lost so many people. That hurts enough. But to imagine that something might happen to you...it's killing me. Yet the thought of being with you...I remember what it feels like to have the person you love most have his hands around your throat. I know you wouldn't hurt me, but I didn't think he would either."

Blackwall murmured, "What can I do, my lady? What can I do to ease your mind? If you wish me to go-"

She kissed him and he sighed, resting his forehead against hers. Adaar started trembling and he withdrew. 

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't apologize," he said, his heart sinking in his chest. "It's alright."

She left Blackwall on the balcony, walking inside alone. He took a deep breath, rubbing the back of his neck. Whatever hell he was going through would be nothing next to hers. And if his presence was only intensifying the effect...well, the world needed the Inquisitor more than it needed him.

Blackwall went back to the ballroom, grabbing the first glass of wine he could find. He went out into the gardens, chugging it down before finding another. He was on his third when he heard two noblemen gossiping at the fountain nearby.

"I must get back as soon as possible to the city. Every barrister in Val Royeaux will want credit for that bastard's execution. Sixth man they've found in the past year. I thought the rest of Rainier's men would have gone underground. Can you believe, this one is even a Lieutenant and he stills claims he's innocent! I would hate to be his barrister, but you know Athene will be clamouring for me to represent him. My niece is too soft."

"Which is why my son is not a good match for her. Could you imagine? She cries every time a poor little rabbit is hurt and my son fights drakes for sport!"

Blackwall started laughing and apologized to the men, stumbling off towards an alcove. His laughs turned to sobs as he leaned against a wall, covering his face. He was no man to offer protection or loyalty. Even now, he would let others die for him in order to keep pursuing a woman. A woman who was petrified anytime he so much looked at her. He caught his breath and looked up at the sky. He thanked a Maker he barely believed in for showing him what he had to do.

***

Cassandra managed to get her into the jailor's private office before she started hyperventilating. Her skin ran hot, her lungs grasped, her heart threatened to burst. Dorian breathed slowly, encouraging her to copy.

"This is a normal thing to feel anxious about, right?" Adaar asked, looking for confirmation.

"I can't say I've ever visited an ex-lover in jail," Dorian commented. "If it happens, I'll let you know."

Cassandra shot him a look before saying softly, "You do not have to go see him. You owe him nothing. This is his mistake and he has agreed to pay its price. No one would judge you for leaving him here."

"No more than usual, anyways."

The two started arguing and Adaar ignored them, trying to focus on her breath.

"I want to see him alone," she said quietly. "I'll call you if I need you."

The pair looked at each other before letting her walk out. Cullen, Leliana, and Josephine waited nearby, discussing the situation with the authourities. Adaar went down into the nearly empty cellblock, counting her steps until she saw him. 

He stood up upon seeing her and shook his head.

"You shouldn't be here," he protested. "You should go back to Skyhold and rest."

"And let you die?" She said skeptically. "So I can take a nap?"

Blackwall said gently, "Please...for me. I didn't think I'd see you again. I didn't want you too. You have been getting so much better. I don't want you to see this and what happens next. You don't need more nightmares."

She stood with her hands on the bars and he walked over, looking up at her. 

"I am not the man you need," he said. "You deserve someone who would never hurt you, who could actually help you."

"I saved myself," Adaar said, surprising herself. "I've always saved myself. I'm not here because I need you to protect me...I just need you. You...you may not know who you are right now, but I do."

She could see the ghost of a smile on his lips. His fingers stroked against hers and she smiled softly. 

"We're going to work through this together," she promised. 

***

She learned the feel of his touch, all over again. Waking beside him, his hand on her arms when she stirred restlessly in the Fade. His cool lips against her flushed skin. Slowly his presence shifted into a comfort again, something devoid of everything that came before it. They were starting anew, vulnerable and without barriers. In the weeks after their return to Skyhold, they grew physically more intimate again, though Adaar felt nervous. Yet everyday confirmed what she had already suspected. He would never intentionally hurt her. He respected her and her body. He touched her skin with reverence, his fingers light and caressing. 

Blackwall let her take the lead when they finally arrived back in her bed. She held him down, moving at her own pace as he looked up at her with utter adoration. They had discussed heavily ways for him to recognize her shutting down, ways for her to feel comfortable stopping. But that night, she needed none of them. She might in the future, on occasion, but right then, in that moment, she felt completely in control.

He pulled out and she rolled on her back, watching him shift his head between her thighs, licking and sucking while he stroked himself to completion. Even after he came, he kept going, groaning when she shook around him. He kissed her thighs before lying beside her, holding her at arm's length while she cooled down.

They gazed at each other and she let go of her breath. She started laughing and he grinned, pulling her to lie on his chest. 

"Are you alright?" He asked softly. 

She sighed happily, "I feel safe."


End file.
